Two Proven Practices for a Happy and Healthy Dating Life
Marriage, relationship, and healthy attachment experts agree, there are two dating practices that are crucial for finding a relationship that lasts. But often times, these are overlooked and traded for a fun, frantic flurry of romance when dating someone new.
If you’ve been caught in cynical relationship cycles, or feel frustrated with today’s confusing dating scene, I have good news for you. These two practices will help you have eyes for the kind of relationship that is guaranteed to last, rather than risk being caught in the romance-buzz with someone who’s not your ideal match long term:
Practice #1: Don’t pursue a relationship to make you “whole;” instead, know your own interests, values, and long-term goals.
Practice #2: Relationships do cure loneliness. But, it’s healthy, non-dating ones that do the trick.
If overlooked, the costs are high. Psychologists John Townsend & Henry Cloud write in their book Boundaries in Dating, ignoring these practices will lead you to waste your time, energy, and ultimately end in heartbreak. If you aren’t doing these two practices, you might find yourself:
Staying in a relationship way past its deadline
Putting up with behavior that hurts you
Going back to relationships that you know aren’t good for you
Settling for less or compromising what’s really important to you
Using a relationship not for true love & commitment, but because your needs aren’t met
Knowing your Interests, Values, & Long term Goals
Dating by definition is an exploratory process for these three things: what you have in common, what’s really important to you both, and where you’re ultimately going in life. “You complete me” without boundaries just doesn't work long-term. Here’s why...
Common interests start a relationship easy enough. You like the same music. You have fun together. You’re not a Marvel fan, but everyone’s talking about Endgame, so if you want to be his, you’d be willing to watch. You learn what he likes, and see if it matches what you like. Seems like it could be a match!
However, if relationships bud with common interests, they bloom with Common Core Values. You get hints of your sweetie’s values by the things he does, the way he treats his family, the way he spends his money, time, and energy. Do his core values match your own? If you agree that honesty, connection, security, adventure (you fill in the blank) are shared values between you two, you start hearing faint wedding bells in the distance. Maybe you get excited, this could be the one!
But it’s the long-term goals that really make it or break it. Are his long-term goals, passions, and life dreams starkly different than yours? Or are they in alignment? If you can see a future where you both spur each other towards your individual and shared dreams, things are looking good!
But what if you both actually have fundamentally different interests, values, and different long-term goals?
You see, longevity requires you to be on the same page, working as a team to accomplish greater life plans.
Don’t worry, differences are fine, and they can even flavor the relationship… so as long as you have the same fundamental pieces in play. But when you’re completely opposite, one person is going to start “winning” and one will keep their hopes and dreams on the back burner. That’s when resentment starts to build.
So let’s get started with some practical steps:
List 10 things that interest you.
List 2-5 fundamental values (what’s really important to you) you live by.
List 5 life goals you have for yourself. Life partner or not, in 30 years, what do you want to accomplish?
Here’s the caveat: these interests, values, and goals must be something you can do or be on your own, right now, not dependent on anyone else. For example, you may be tempted to write “have a family” in one of those lines, which is totally fine. In fact, it can help you be more selective when you’re dating, to make sure someone you date also wants a family.
But in order to make this work, get started on loving the family that’s around you right now (whether it’s your immediate family, extended family, church family, chosen family, whatever).
Cure your Core Loneliness Through the Right Relationships
“But Carly, I already know my interests, goals, and my values. There are just no guys who want the same things I want, and the ones who do are already taken...”, said a woman who might be just like you, frustrated and disappointed that she’s approaching 30s and is still single.
“Carly, I don’t even know what my goals are anymore. It was to have a family, and a committed partner who loves me and who I love back. Is that too much to ask?” cried a woman grieving the loss of divorce, wondering what’s next.
Friends, this breaks my heart.
When we’re talking about life dreams, loving others, and feeling loved back, there can be a grieving process to it. Grief isn’t only found in death. It’s found everywhere. And having a partner to spend the rest of your life with is a legitimate dream that we all have, because we were created for connection.
When you’re single, it’s tempting to look to dating to be the answer to that connection. But it’s actually healthy, non-romantic friendships that do the trick.
As we explore who we are, what we like, and what our goals are, we are testing them out on the person in front of us to see if they’re going to last on our journey, or can make a shared journey together. Core loneliness is cured by relationships where three things are present:
Safety (emotional & physical)
Unconditional Love (no strings attached)
Deep Commitment (I’ve got your back no matter what)
Ok, so if dating relationships aren’t supposed to cure my core loneliness, then which relationships do?
Ah, the answer is terribly simple and also unpopular. But it is proven to work. You ready?
Any friendship or relationship that has safety, unconditional love, and deep commitment through relational equity built over time, is the cure to loneliness.
Here’s why dating can’t provide that for you:
Safety: You don’t actually know the person you’re dating until you see him or her in a variety of circumstances and in different contexts (His friends, your friends. His work parties, your work parties. Stressed and not stressed. When work is plentiful, when finances are tight, etc). Of course it takes time, and you may not know every detail, but I’d suggest waiting a year before jumping into a deeper commitment. You don’t need to be hypervigilant, but you do need to ask yourself the question, “Is this person actually a “safe” person for me? I don’t know him well yet. He could be putting up a front to impress me.” If something doesn’t feel right, get counsel from someone who knows you well, or drop it like its hot.
Conditions: When you're dating, there should be conditions. There should be deal-breakers. You don’t really know this person yet! If there are discrepancies between his walk & his talk, get curious and ask him about it. If you see red flags, break it off! Dating should be conditional until you make an actual commitment to stay with each other in sickness & in health… and you’re not there yet. Keep it conditional in the beginning.
Deep Commitment: If dating is based off of conditions, it rules out the ability to have deep commitment. Why? Because what you allow, you get. Past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior, unless they have practical and natural behavior changes to prove the change. Do not stay committed to someone who is not committed to you.
“Any friendship or relationship that has safety, unconditional love, and deep commitment through relational equity built over time, is the cure to loneliness.”
Here’s why a non-romantic friendship CAN cure your loneliness: relational equity is built over time, with safety, unconditional love, and deep commitment. They’ve cried, and laughed, and fought with you. You know their character, and they know yours. No matter what happens or how far away you are, they’ve got your back.
That’s the kind of relationship that you can lean on to help cure that core loneliness.
Even being married, core loneliness still exists.
I hate to break it to you, but your life partner was never designed to meet every single one of your emotional or relational needs. We were designed to be people in community. Even as a married woman, I still need a group of friends I can count on.
As a single person, community is essential. These friends who really know you will also be a helpful pair of eyes to look into your relationship without the rose-colored glasses, and help you ask the right questions, like, “Carly, is this really the right person for you? It doesn’t seem like he matches where you’re headed in life. What’s making you move too fast, compromise, or settle?”
“Old friends” don’t grow overnight. You have to build that safety, unconditional love, and deep commitment with people in your life who love you for you, right now. If you don’t have friends in your life who can do this, then you’re bound to spend way too much precious time with someone who’s just going to break your heart in the end.
“Relational equity is built over time, with safety, unconditional love, and deep commitment. ”
Who are the people you know you can always count on when things get tough? Who you can be real with when the dating scene gets hard? Who won’t judge you, even if you make a mistake, or want to be totally honest? Take a practical step:
Write the names of 2-5 old friends that know your story, all of it, and still have your back.
Write the names of 2-5 new friends you could see building this relational equity with, in the next few months.
Write the name of one friend or mentor you’ve felt emotionally & physically safe, unconditionally loved, and a deep commitment from. Write a thank you note to that person.
So, here’s my encouragement to you, single ladies:
Don’t go the dating scene alone.
Don’t look to dating to cure core loneliness.
Know what you want, and don’t wait for a partner before you go for it.
If you know your interests, values, & long-term goals, and have a healthy support system where you can cure some of that loneliness, you’re more likely to be selective enough to find a partner who will last the long-haul.
You have so much to offer, and your life is yours for the taking.
If you’re looking for a next step, that book Boundaries in Dating by Cloud & Townsend would be an amazing resource for you. Sometimes, that book is all you need. Other people want a guide to help them explore their past relationship patterns, self-sabotaging behaviors, how to develop healthy friendships outside of dating, and ways to grow healthy relationship choices. If that’s you, you’d be a great fit for my Dating & Relationship Group so reserve your spot today! You’d also find a safe, non-judgmental space with deep commitment from me through individual counseling, where I’ll help you explore your dating story and empower you to put these two dating practices in place.
Contact me at CarlySamudre.com to reserve your spot in our next group, or to ask about individual counseling with me today.