Valentine's Day: Reaffirming Your Connection
As you step into the month of love, take time and reflect on the relationship with your partner. Far too often one begins to let go of the “little things”. I am not talking about gifts, but those rituals we perform at moments of disconnection, separation, or reunion. Sue Johnson writes in her book, Created for Connection, “Rituals are an important part of belonging. They are repeated intentional ceremonies that recognize a special time or connection. They engage us physically and emotionally”.
What are you doing to take time and care for the other?
A connection with your partner is not limited to intimacy; in fact, far from it. The rituals that keep your relationship alive and let your partner know you are here FOR them and you are here WITH them-this is connection. These connections of intimacy are important, because all couples will have times of disconnection. Disconnection can be reaching for your partner and they are not there, leading to a sense of solitude. Disagreement or argument that leads to a feeling of helplessness. A connection doesn’t have to come just from hard times. It can also be those simpler times when we are departing for the day and those times are finally together again. Simply put, it is those times our partner wants to communicate to us in a language that only the two of you can understand.
When you see it, hear it or feel it, all is right with the world.
I can’t remember if it was my mom, aunt or grandmother who told me this story, but my grandparents had one very specific connection of intimacy and they did this for over fifty years. At the end of a hard day, a moment of disconnect, or when others were right there in the room, one of them would grab the other’s hand and rub the palm of their hand very lightly. In that gentle movement they were saying, “I love you and I am here with you”, and sometimes it said, “I’m sorry”. This little movement of the hand said so much to the other. I didn’t know of this ritual until after my Papa died. I can remember thinking a lot about what type of ritual my future husband and I would create. Now, nearly nineteen years into our marriage, we have many rituals or connections of intimacy, some more meaningful than others. My favorite is a text we will send or a social media post to the other that simply reads, “ILYAITJFY”. Like my grandparents, we keep the meaning of it to ourselves. Just know when I hear or read it my heart melts and I know he is all mine.
These connections of intimacy can be anything. A hug once you both arrive home. A note left on a pillow. A kiss on the cheek -and a squeeze on the backside-from your honey after a long day at work. Sitting together quietly on the patio on Saturday morning while sipping coffee. A wink. A text letting you know they are thinking of you. A prayer before you go to sleep. Date night. Talking on the phone to pass the time of a long commute. Holding hands while singing in church on Sunday morning. All of these are examples of ways to connect. The main point is that you have them, they have meaning to you both, and you do them often.
So, during this month of love I challenge you to seek out your connections of intimacy with your partner. Do you know what they are? If you do: own it, lean into it, embrace it, and cherish it. If you don’t, now is the time!