Out of the Box Date Ideas This Valentine's Day
Plan an “Out of the Box Date” this Valentine's Day
It’s not often you get a peak behind the curtain, so to speak, into the lives of a therapist and her most important relationships. But that’s exactly what I want to share with you today.
Hi there; my name is Carly Samudre, and I am a licensed mental health counselor in the state of Tennessee. My husband, Neal, is a writer and marketing director in the Nashville area.
Neal and I met in college almost 10 years ago, and I was immediately captivated by his driven nature, outgoing personality, and his passion for life. When I met him, all I could see was his joy. A zest, a hope, a moving-forwardness. But the thing is, his joy wasn’t just a result of happy circumstances. It was something he chose to cultivate daily, and live out intentionally.
Now don’t get me wrong… Neal is not a rose-colored-glasses kind of guy. He’s strategic, rational, and way more realistic than me (I’m the romantic one). But there was something grounded and solid in his outlook on life. His ability to pause, reflect, and grow was a character trait I hadn't found in anyone else.
After 7 years of marriage and our first baby boy on the way, we’ve traveled many ups & downs together. Therapy has helped, mentors have helped, and humility (taking ownership for our parts of where we get stuck) has been a game-changer. We’ve learned to challenge our patterns. Neal champions my strengths, and tenderly calls out my stubborn patterns. I do the same for him.
We challenge each other to be better, without forcing each other to change.
We stay captivated, and in awe of who the other is becoming.
We grow alongside each other, and grow up together.
I share this because marriage is difficult, even for a therapist. But we work very hard to surround ourselves with people who inspire us in their own lives and marriages, as well as stay connected to the family values we create for ourselves. We try hard to build our own family culture. We try hard to live what we teach.
But why not make it a little more fun too?
To do this, I want to share an article that Neal wrote in 2019, 6 months before the start of 2020 when we REALLY needed to be intentional about connecting in fun, new, out-of-the-box ways.
Movie and a date night didn’t seem to cut it anymore (and I think the last time I saw a movie in theaters was 2019 anyway!). We had to find totally new ways to stay connected when it seemed like all we did was stay at home and isolate together.
Of course, we had to modify some of these choices to fit the new COVID-19 restrictions. But since we started this practice before the pandemic, our marriage was able to thrive when we had to think of new ways to stay connected.
This 2021 valentines day, I hope this article inspires you as it did us, two years ago.
So without further ado, here’s my inspiring and thoughtful hubby’s thoughts on how to spice up your connection in his 2019 article, “The Scientific Case for Regular Out-of-the-Box Date Nights“ (originally published at nealsamudre.com).
The Scientific Case for Regular Out-of-the-Box Date Nights
My wife and I are starting a new habit this year: regular date nights.
We currently don’t have kids, which means every night can feel like a date night. This is probably why we’ve waited five years to make regular date nights a priority.
But as I dove deeper into my study of joy, one thing became increasingly clear: couples who date regularly are stronger. In fact, studies show that married couples who go on monthly (or more often) date nights are 14 percent less likely to split up.
As my wife and I discussed doing regular date nights, we agreed we didn’t want to do the typical dinner and a movie. We want our dates to be fun, exciting, and out-of-the-box. We believed that if our dates were creative, they would provide a greater benefit. Turns out, science supports this idea.
Here’s why regular out-of-the-box date nights are becoming a priority for us this year:
1. The brain craves novelty experiences to stay motivated.
Did you know that 40% of our day is run by routine and habit?
I believe this, especially as I look at my schedule. I love routine. But I also know routine isn’t the best ingredient for love.
When we perform habits and routines, our brains are running along familiar neural pathways. They go back and forth, never creating new pathways. You know what to expect when you perform a habit or routine.
This is why novelty is such a powerful force in the brain. When we try new things, our brain travels along new neural pathways. Then, we get a rush of dopamine, the chemical in our brain associated with reward, pleasure, and motivation. Trying something new and enjoyable gives us pleasure.
Because the brain releases dopamine, something interesting happens: we become motivated. This means, when our dates are more creative and outside-of-the-norm, we’re more motivated to go on more dates. And this in turn increases the quality of a relationship.
If 40% of your day is run by routine and habit, let your date nights be the activity that breaks the mold. It’ll give you a rush of dopamine, which then, makes you motivated to go on more dates.
2. Positive emotions reframe the negativity in our minds.
Relationships are not always happy and bright. Sometimes, we experience negative moments that build bitterness and resentment inside us.
These moments will remain negative in our minds unless we actively do something to change the story.
The obvious solution to stop the buildup of bitterness and resentment is to have a healthy discussion with your partner. But once the discussion is over, you’re not always left with happy feelings. In fact, you’ll still have the residue of dealing with tough emotions.
This is where regular date nights step in and save the day.
Having a regular date night gives you the opportunity to experience positive emotions with your partner.
A study on resilience discovered that resilient individuals use positive emotions as a tool to bounce back from negative, stressful experiences. When they feel stress, they’ll use something like humor or relaxation to come back.
If you make regular date nights a habit, you’re also making resilience a habit. You can have a stressful week, but with a date night thrown in, the positive emotions can help you bounce back faster.
3. We’re more likely to have a higher quality relationship with date nights.
The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia did a study to learn the impact of date nights on marriages. They discovered that date nights lead to a higher quality relationship by fostering greater communication, novelty, eros (passionate love), communication, and stress relief.
When they dug into the numbers, the results were surprising.
Husbands and wives who have couple time (time where they are intentionally together) at least once a week enjoy at least 3x more sexual satisfaction in their marriage than couples who have couple time less than once a week. The same number applies to their satisfaction with communication.
With commitment, husbands and wives who have couple time at least once a week are at least 2x more committed to their marriage than couples who have couple time less than once a week.
There you have it. Your intentional date nights can increase your communication, sexual satisfaction, and commitment up to 3x.
Schedule your next date now
40 to 50 percent of married couples in the US end in divorce. It’s a sobering statistic, but I believe we can do something to ensure we’re not on the wrong end of this data.
It’s easy to drift through life and it’s just as easy to drift apart from each other. Intentional, out-of-the-box date nights give us the opportunity to reconnect and enjoy each other. It’s an investment that lasts a lifetime.
To encourage you, here’s how my wife and I are approaching our date nights:
We’re doing a bi-weekly date night. With our work schedules, we know we can’t do a weekly date night. But a bi-weekly date night gives us more time to be creative.
We alternate ownership for the date night. One week, my wife will plan a creative date night with something I like to do. The next time, I’ll plan a creative date night with something she likes.
We plan for it on the same night every other week. This helps us take the brainpower out of scheduling.
Here’s three ideas for “out of the box” dates you may be able to do with your partner:
Schedule time to go antique browsing together; challenge each other to find items that tell a part of your “story” as a couple. Old bottles filled with dried lavender in our home tells part of our own love story, as our first date together was at a Lavender Farm. What items can you find that reminds you of a part of your life together? Buy it and take it home (take a photo of it to simply remember it if you’re on a budget), put it on display, and anytime anyone asks you about it, share your love story!
Do anything that challenges your minds and gets you working as a team. Whether it’s thrilling like going to an adventure zone, or a cozy puzzle in the gameroom, making time to work together in a way that suits your interests can strengthen that “we” versus “me vs. you” bond.
Find out your partner’s dream as a kid; then, plan a themed date where you surprise your partner to live in that dream a little. Was his dream to be a movie star? Hers to be an astronaut? Grab a bunch of his favorite old films and popcorn, or take her to the space museum or science center. Ask your partner all the things he or she loved as a kid, and why. Learn something new about your partner. Get curious, stay captivated, and love on your partner and their dreams.
If you don’t have kids, you may be able to do a date night at a moment’s notice. If you have kids, it’ll take extra planning to get a babysitter. But if this article showed you anything, I hope it’s that date nights are important. Schedule your next one now and you’ll reap the benefits for a lifetime.