Reopening Childhood Wounds: The Emotional Paradox of Becoming a Parent by Anna White

Becoming a parent is often portrayed as a joyous and fulfilling experience, filled with proud moments of love, laughter, and growth. However, for many, this new identity also brings to light deep-seated childhood wounds, reopening emotional scars that we may not have even realized were there. Both things can be true. This paradox of joy and pain is particularly poignant when we strive to give our children the nurturing we may never have received, revealing the true weight of our past. IT HURTS in all the ways and can illicit overwhelming emotions and grief. It can also lead us down a path of reacting out of triggers instead of responding as the intentional parents we’d like to be. With courage, work, resources, and time, this pain can also lead to healing, unburdening, and the breaking of painful legacies.

The Illusion of Quick Fixes

In our haste to lessen the pain of our triggers, we will try anything.

We are bombarded from every direction with promises of quick fixes and false self-care. Band-aids are placed over bullet wounds. Instagram ads promise that a new planner will organize our lives, a skincare product will rejuvenate our spirits, or a home organizer will lift the mental load of being the default parent. With one click, temporary relief from our pain is only a same day Amazon delivery away.

These solutions work for a while, and eventually the novelty wears off and we are back where we started. This reliance on soothing with external solutions can perpetuate a cycle of burnout and left untended can lead to addiction, self-harm, and other detrimental effects to our mental health. We become so focused on managing the surface-level symptoms of our stress and overwhelm that we neglect to address the underlying painful causes. By looking beneath the surface of burnout, we can uncover the parts of ourselves that developed in our childhood to help us survive.

The Echoes of Childhood in Parenthood

When we become parents, we inevitably encounter moments that trigger memories and emotions from our own upbringing, even if we had particularly positive childhoods. These old wounds can manifest in various ways, as unexplained physical symptoms, anger and rage, avoidance, anxiety, depression, paralyzing self-doubt, and complex grief. For instance, if you grew up in a household where your emotional needs were often overlooked, you might find yourself struggling with the overwhelming responsibility of being the primary caregiver. You may have a strange sense that you are a vulnerable child again. You may notice a voice inside that is highly critical or who says that you deserve to blow off some steam. We all have these parts. Everyone has voices in their head with conflicting points of view. Despite the noise in our heads that tells us otherwise, these parts are trying to help us.

These old parts of do their best to:

1) Help you function in your daily life.

2) Distract you from becoming overwhelmed with pain.

3) Communicate that they need your help to heal.

Often, we don’t have time or energy to sift through our own stuff with the demands of parenting and living our lives. We ignore or numb with surface level self-care or powering through the pain. When these parts are ignored, they may not always serve us well in our role as parents. They can cause us to react in ways that are not aligned with our values or the kind of parent we aspire to be.

Bringing awareness and attention to these patterns and parts is a step towards healing.

For example, a mother has a strong avoidance reaction to her children “tattling” on each other. Perhaps, she sees it as a sign of weakness or feels uncomfortable moving toward the child with comfort or addressing the other child’s behavior. When she unpacks it, she realizes she never had an example of how to handle such situations, having grown up as an only child. Instead, her peer interactions taught her that problems should be worked out independently, without tattling, and that seeking help would result in being labeled as annoying or a snitch. Even as a parent who doesn’t believe in these messages, she still feels a bodily resistance to comforting her child. This resistance is driven by the part with feelings of shame, fear, and who has learned to deal with it by avoiding her feelings. Now as a parent and no longer a child, her child’s behavior challenges the norms she internalized and leaves her automatically turning away from her child instead of attuning to her.

True Self-Care: A Path to Healing

True self-care goes beyond superficial solutions. It involves connecting with these wounded parts of ourselves and offering them the compassion and understanding they have always needed. This process requires introspection and a willingness to explore our inner world.

By engaging in practices that promote true self-care, such as therapy, mindfulness, or journaling, we can gain clarity about our parts. Understanding the dynamics and patterns that shaped us can provide valuable insights into our current behaviors and emotional responses.

In this scenario, the mother imagines herself sitting on a park bench next to her 7-year-old self, who has just been hurt by a friend. She asks the child to share her story. The child feels scared, sad, and alone because her friend called her dumb and said her clothes were ugly. When she went to the teacher for help, the teacher reacted harshly and doled out consequences, causing the friend to isolate her further. In response, the child developed a protective part named Avoidance, who joins them on the bench and says, “I promised we would never feel that way again.” This new part shares its story: determined to deal with mean comments independently, Avoidance now ignores her emotional pain and need for help, allowing her to function in school and distract herself from her emotions. The 7-year-old feels protected by Avoidance, but deep down, she remains in pain. More and more parts develop in order to compensate for the pain.

The mother might imagine asking what Avoidance wants her to know. The part might say, “My job is to distract her from her hurt feelings, so she won’t be excluded ever again. We all saw how asking for help worked out last time!” The mother, offering compassion and co-regulation, reminds both parts that she is now an adult and a mother, capable of being the protector. Avoidance can rest and no longer carry the heavy responsibilities it once did. The wounded 7-year-old part feels safe to ask for attention and help, and the mother feels ready to parent from her adult self.

The next time her daughter tattles, she feels the same compassion she did for her wounded part. When she notices Avoidance emerging to protect, she reassures her that she’s got it now. Mom can connect with and comfort her inner child while parenting her daughter with empathy and understanding.

Gathering Resources and Building Resilience

Healing childhood wounds is not a solitary endeavor. It requires gathering resources and building a support system. This might include seeking out supportive listening with trusted friends or family members.

However amazing your support system may be, professionals such as therapists specializing in parts work and developmental and relational trauma can offer a deeper level of support.

As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise children, and despite the many barriers we face today, these resources can offer guidance, validation, and new perspectives. It is true that we can’t do it alone, and we need resources to help us navigate the complexities of parenthood and carving out a space in our chaotic schedules.

Living Fully Integrated

As we begin to heal and integrate practices to care for these wounded parts of ourselves, we move towards becoming the healthiest version of ourselves. The goal is not about achieving perfection but rather embracing our humanity as parents and the full spectrum of our experiences. By doing so, we model self-compassion, resilience and emotional intelligence for our children, creating a more nurturing and empathetic environment for them to grow up in.

While becoming a parent can reopen childhood wounds, these can be opportunities, challenging us to confront and heal the parts of ourselves that have long been buried. While the allure of quick fixes and false self-care is strong, true healing requires a deeper, more compassionate approach. By understanding our past, gathering resources, and practicing genuine self-care, we can break the cycle of pain and become the parents we aspire to be. In this way, we not only heal ourselves but also create a new legacy for our children.

Author’s note: At one point in my parenting journey, I noticed I was having a lot of flashbacks and memories of myself at one of my children’s ages. I had never experienced this as a parent, and I was caught off guard. After noticing some of my emotional reactions that did not fit the situation, reactive behaviors, and physical symptoms, I tried engaging with surface level self-care and pushing it down. Long story short, when those behaviors didn’t work, I began my own internal work with a therapist. Throughout our work I experienced a sense of connection with the part of myself that really needed my attention. Everything I had tried up until that point was only bringing temporary relief. By listening to what this wounded part had to say, and spending time connecting with her, I began to feel separate from that energy and more peaceful and capable as a parent. I continue to engage imperfectly in this practice, and I have personally experienced the power of this work in my own life. I share this with the hope of encouragement that we can coexist with our wounded parts.

ANNA WHITE