Coping with the Death of a Loved One
By Jenny Lokey, BA, Mental Health Therapist Intern
Being human means knowing that death is a part of life. Yet even when it comes, we’re never fully prepared. Losing someone we love is one of the most earth-shattering experiences. Whether it’s the result of a chronic illness, tragedy, or somewhere in between, we can’t know what lies on the other side until we’re directly faced with it.
Earlier this year, I lost my dear father-in-law following several years of a cancer battle; a story I know so many others have experienced in some way, shape, or form, too. In my family’s case, we had the gift of time and were able to prioritize being together as much as possible in his final months, weeks, and days. And yet no time is ever enough. There will always be the desire for one more moment in each other’s company, one more story to hear, joke to tell, meal to enjoy. One more hug, “I love you”, or “see you soon!”.
I also know there are so many stories of those who weren’t afforded these final moments. Who lost loved ones suddenly, unexpectedly, tragically. The kinds of losses that are marked not only by grief, but by shock and disbelief.
So when death shows up like a wrecking ball to the life we knew, the way forward can feel treacherous and overwhelming to navigate. Up is down and down is up. How can life go on at a time like this?
The only answer I know is to move forward moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day.
Grief isn’t Linear
There’s no timeline and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It often looks different from person to person. If you’re in the midst of grief right now and everything feels upside down, here are some ideas to help you process, feel, and cope.
(1) Practice Self Care
This will look different for each person and you may want to try a few things until you discover what works best for you. Self-care might look like:
Appropriate exercise such as going for a walk, doing yoga, attending a gym class, etc. Losing a loved one is a stressful event, the weight of which can often feel very heavy emotionally, mentally, and physically. In order to alleviate some of that stress, it’s really important to try to move it through the body, so the stress response cycle can be completed. Movement and/or sweating allows stress to pass through the nervous system instead of it getting trapped, which can contribute to those sluggish and tired feelings. A leisurely walk around the block, a local park, or even your favorite store can help remove some of the heaviness.
Spending time in community. After experiencing a significant loss, it can feel very isolating, like no one understands exactly what you’re going through or the pain you’re feeling. Inviting a few close, trusted loved ones into your grief journey can provide the support you need as you face the days ahead. Also, be clear on what you need from these trusted friends. Be open to asking if you just need a listening ear and their presence with you or if you need something more tangible like a meal, help with household chores, etc.
Prioritizing hobbies you enjoy. When you’re in the middle of grief, finding joy can feel impossible, unreachable, maybe even wrong. It’s okay if that feels true and it’s also okay to do things that remind you of the good in life. Consider what might bring you a glimmer of hope; maybe it’s re-reading your favorite novel, laughing at a beloved tv show, or engaging in a creative activity like painting or playing an instrument.
(2) Feel Your Feelings
There is no “getting over” the loss of a loved one. The pain you feel is valid and meaningful; it shouldn’t be rushed, ignored, or suppressed. A motto I’ve revisited throughout my own journey with grief is “the only way through is through”. The same goes for emotions. When a rush of sadness washes over you, allow yourself to let it out. When anger shows up, find a healthy outlet to process. The average duration of an emotion is just 90 seconds; the sooner you let it come, the sooner it will go.
(3) Find a Counselor
If practicing self care and feeling your feelings seem too overwhelming or too big a mountain to climb, finding a counselor may be the right next step. Sometimes grief leaves us feeling stuck, numb, or distressed; all of this is common and counseling can help. At Cypress, we have a community of caring therapists ready to meet you exactly where you are. Your counselor will come alongside you as a compassionate guide, helping you navigate the complexities of grief and how to continue on in a life that may now feel unfamiliar. If this resonates with you, contact us today at https://www.ccgtherapy.org/contact-us to be connected to a counselor.
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Jenny Lokey is a Master’s Level Intern under direct supervision of Carla and Paul Babb. She enjoys working with women who are experiencing challenges related to work/life balance, relationship issues, and stress/anxiety. She also has a passion for helping women in the music business navigate the complexities of working in a “lifestyle” industry.