The 5 Ingredients to Build Resilience this Holiday Season

Every holiday my mom makes her famous Christmas “Knot” cookies. They are these mysterious little delicious mounds of buttery goodness with whipped white icing and sprinkles on top. Strangely enough, they don’t look like knots at all, and they’re not flat like cookie-cutter reindeers or trees. Instead, they’re light, fluffy, and look more like a tiny scoop of cookie dough that melt in your mouth when you take a bite. 

And every year, they’re the ones that are asked for the most out of all other cookies.

What’s the secret ingredient you ask? “Ricotta cheese”, she always whispers with a sly smile.

A family recipe passed down from generations (with other ingredients she won’t mention) these little dreamy cookies have been a tradition as old as time at our house.

This year, she’ll still make those cookies, but she won’t be going to any of the traditional holiday parties. Instead, she’ll pack them in tins and do a contactless-delivery, leaving them at unsuspecting family, friends, and neighbor’s front porches for some much needed holiday cheer.

Are you sad with some of the traditions you may have to change this holiday season because of COVID-19, shutdowns, protests, unemployment, or other concerns? 

We’ve certainly been through a lot this year, and the Holidays can either be a time of pause and reflection, focusing on what we’re grateful for… or they can be a time of compounded sadness, stress, and loss with the changes we’ve had to face.

In the counseling room, one of the biggest questions I’m getting right now may sound familiar to you, and it is this:

“Carly, I’m adding in all the self-care I can muster, and trying to weed out all the unnecessary stressors or things that are weighing me down… But what do you do when your circumstances just can’t change? What do you do when you know the hardship is here to stay, and it feels like your coping skills are at max capacity?”

It’s something I had to wrestle with, too.

I searched and searched my resources. I dug deep within my own well of knowledge from my training. I looked into my own experiences, and finally, coming up short, I called my own therapist and scheduled a session.

Her little dog met me at the door and cuddled in my lap as I sighed my own sigh of “I’m holding everyone else’s stuff and I don’t know what to do with my own” kind of sighs.

This year has stretched my own skills, and I found myself needing a safe space for me just to be...me. 

“What do I do even when the circumstances can’t change?” I asked. 

Like any good therapist, she smiled a knowing smile, listened, and validated my feelings. She helped me feel safe. 

And then she said…“It sounds like you’re asking how to build resilience.”

“It’s true”, I said. “I know this stuff in my head, I preach it to my clients all the time, but isn’t it just so exhausting?” I sighed.

She agreed with me, and then pointed to our therapeutic angel researcher, Brené Brown.

“You know, Carly, in her book Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown defines resilience as, "the ability to overcome adversity." And my goodness have we faced adversity this year!”

We looked through the chapter, Cultivating a Resilient Spirit, and found the main ingredients for building resilience.

Here are those 5 main ingredients (i.e. "protective factors", or the things that resilient people tend to have in common):

1. They are resourceful and have good problem solving skills.

2. They are more likely to seek help.

3. They hold the belief that they can do something that will help them manage their feelings and to cope.

4. They have social support available to them.

5. They are connected with others, such as family or friends. 

Then my therapist did a little check in.

“Carly, how many of these five things can you check off your wellbeing checklist?”

I thought about it, and for me, it was obvious right away.

I’ve done my work, and I’d consider myself pretty emotionally healthy But, if I have to be honest, my problem solving skills tend to be lacking when I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. If something doesn’t happen the way I planned, I get frustrated and tend to give up. But, if I really sat down, I know I could grow in finding creative or out-of-the-box solutions for my problems.

Which ones do you see in your life?

You see, these skills can be difficult to build inside of ourselves if we:

• Don't let ourselves feel/process "bad feelings"

• Stay in a "fixed mindset", thinking we should give up because there's nothing we can do to change anything

• Doubt things can get better & doubt ourselves that we can make it happen.

My mom was so disappointed, grieving both the loss of control and the loss of the hopes she had for this 2020 holiday season. But as she mixed all the ingredients for her Knot Cookies, she let the whirring of the mixer and the smell of sugar bring her back to memories of cooking in her grandmother’s kitchen, like  holidays before.

My great-grandmother had overcome great adversity in her life. My mom knew that these cookies she passed down were just a little bit of joy that came from a resilient woman’s life. From this, my mom took courage, and hope. And things, though heavy, seemed a little brighter. 

She didn’t seem as alone in it all.

At Cypress Counseling Group, we want to help you learn how to overcome adversity. We want to help you grow stronger. We want to help you believe in yourself again. 

Written by Carly Samudre, LPC-MHSP